Discussions with friends

The thing I fear anytime I am unloading my crap onto a friends are these reactions:

Competition-as I talk about my issues they begin to prattle off their own to the point that it has trasformed into how much their life sucks then you have to try to edge your way back into the conversation. Then you feel like a bitch for redominating even though you intially had the floor.

Trying too hard to fix it for you-the crap receiver tries hard to find a solution to the point that you feel as though they are just trying to make the talk go away.

Cliche responses- I'm not talking the expected I'm sorry or that sucks but more along the lines of "well everything happens for a reason" or "think positive" I'm not buying it and it's not how I feel. If I'm even mentioning it chances are I tried those things already and it didn't work.

Passing out- it has happened before that I was opening up about something really deep and as I talked the person fell asleep. That's a pretty bad rejection.

I dedicate this post to those people who know how to listen and teach me how to listen better by example!!<3

Alter Ego

I need to create an alter ego. I actually need to create my old ego. The one that was funny and happy and rebellious and interesting and sexy and confident. Sorry to sound like a girl but I am not happy the way I am and I need to change. I want to shut down my facebook and quit my job and live in the woods as a survivalist at this point but I think it would turn into one of those moments that seemed like a good idea at the time. Instead, I think I will swear off something, maybe all internet aside from email for at least a week. Then I can tackle TV. I need to stop caring about what others think of me but more importantly I need to stop caring what I think of them. When you think of things like that it effects how you act also so fuck that. I think that most social networking is just banality that you don't like at work now available at home. I'd be better off just avoiding it. It actually makes me feel more out of touch with the world. It's time I went underground. My personality needs to be pulled from the ashes and rebuilt. I will be the new million dollar man. Check back for updates;-P

Let's see what happens...

Flailing in a sea of coarse realities, hope and dread are neck and neck, the day of telling is soon. The end, the beginning, the day I accept that life is the bane of my existence. Must I know, can't I just go on denying an awful truth? Is it worse if you know? Would that man have still died so soon if he hadn't known about the cancer? I always ask it. He was happy and at peace until he found out the awful truth, then everything fell apart. Life separates into columns and clumps of sense and reason versus emotion and optimism. You search for the information that builds the guillotine for your hope, you search to help and end up slaying optimism. The reality pushed upon you by the professionals, it's important to know, I suppose so that you can suffer appropriately. Loved and lost may not be as good as they say but I guess only time will tell.



*No, as far as I know noone has cancer or is even thought to possibly have cancer.

blahndom

Either sleep is overrated or life is overrated, I'm still trying to work out which

many of the woman of our current time period are normal weight to obese, but all the magazines and movies have these emaciated looking woman. Do you think that in the old european paintings they were also painting the opposite of their reality and that woman of that time period were actually horribly thin?

Is rich really as awesome as it sounds? I would say yes if you could use the money the way you wanted to.

People complain about how stupid and selfish Americans have become and then they go into a store and give shit to a kid who makes less in a year then they do in a month about some shit that is probably their fault anyways

sometimes i wonder how many people in the world have random sexual encounters with complete strangers, no strings attached on a daily basis

Ah lust...

Such a great and infantile emotion full or drama and turmoil. It can raise a person's emotions to dizzying heights or lower them to cavernous depths. I love the emotion lust. There are surprisingly few, well written songs about lust that I am aware of and some are by the most shameful artists for you to admit you have in your collection,even to your friends. Anyhoo I'm gonna try to write about something lustful right now (not naughty but emotional."

A look exchanged, a hidden smile
a voice with rasp, the face of guile
a secret word, an occluded touch
but ne'er a kiss, that'd be too much
a daydream sweet and tinged with want
it's more like teasing then a taunt
that rush of need, those butterflies
at just the sight of those wishful eyes
but it shall pass, just as before
just aftertaste and nothing more

Anger is a gift best served cold

I got very angry about an ongoing issue that has emanated worry and frustration for quite some time. It peaked for the third time this evening and I was at a loss for what to do. There are all those catchy little mouth vomits like "just roll with the punches" and "keep your head up" but few would be able to take the blows of life repeatedly and not want to destroy something. I attempted to do what I used to do when I was younger and shred. I threw some Pantera on my ipod and soon realized that I was no longer young enough for this to work. When you are young and don't really have any problems you have to find things to be pissed off about i.e."fuck the cops" "the government totally sucks" "my parents don't understand me."

It's not that none of these things are true, it's that you don't know why they are true. Once you are old enough to understand the world a little better, you find out why these things are true, there is no music that can banish the contempt of an asshole boss, nothing you can destroy that will make people drive better, no amount of cutting could make you breath any easier. The far removed status of youth is gone, you know now, you understand and it sucks. You know that Jack Nicholson line from A Few Good Men? Yeah I wish that had been the graduation speech at my suburban high school. Just those few lines to really sum up life as an adult. Part of youth however is not listening to people who say things like that so maybe it would have been a lost cause.

Quality and standards

I am learning to be chill again

I am learning to be nice again

I am learning to devote more time to my family

I am learning that I don't like wallowing

I am learning that I don't yearn for pity

I am learning that good things can make you a bad person if you let them

I am learning that awareness of one's self is a necessity but an obsession with oneself is a really bad thing

I am learning that balance is hard to reach and next to impossible to sustain

I am learning that I have been missing some things for years now

I am learning how to be the old me

I am learning to stand up for what I believe in

I am learning that even long breaks are necessary sometimes

I am learning that not everything was as it seemed and I was way too close to see that before

I am learning that my children's pain and suffering (when going on) cannot be "outdone" in my eyes

I am learning that many people have a hard life and I am very blessed to be fortunate

I am learning that I can use my sympathies for more then one person at a time when used properly

I am learning that friendships shouldn't be draining

I am learning that I can't have a friendship that involves walking on egg shells

I am learning that I am strong

I am learning that some steps have to be taken and some steps already have

I am learning that I have a great deal of thinking to do