Tuesday, July 21, 2009


I enjoy it, it frees me from the doldrums of normal life
it unlocks the cool part of me that I am generally to self conscious to show
when I sing I don't care how I look or what people think. Perhaps immediately after
but not during. I need to tap into that untethered part of singing where I can just 
sing along with anyone at anytime and have it make sense have it make feelings. I may
have to ditch the guitar and just go accapella until I have someone to play the guitar
for me. I should figure something out though, and soon.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

A tree falling in the forest...

a rumble, 
a crack,
the the giant falls,
slowly creaking
breaking the many barriers of time it has formed
revealing it's age and fatigue
now it will rest, now it will be at peace.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Fuck Commercialism

you may not peddle here
your wares are not welcome
you lies are not wanted
my mind does not have commercials
my words do not aim to sell
not for you or anyone else
so i hope that if you have come here to sell
your product, your ideas, your soul
that you leave with what you brought
as quickly as possible
this is my space
these are my expressions


a pile of eyes and ears and noses
some of lions some of roses
skin is stretched and shapeless
an entire menagerie 
in one big pile in a box
someday it will take shape
someday it will be a creation
a sight of wonder and skill
but for now, it's just paper

Monday, July 13, 2009

uh... whatever

Dreary moments of whys
saturate my eyes.....

Monday, July 6, 2009


Squeezing the meat of my arm
nails dig, knuckles cracking with strain
the flesh breaks, the blood runs
I wrench and squirm, 
but the hold is fast and tight
brutal and laden with pain
The grip has a safety
a comfort that cannot be denied
but it hurts more then it helps
it burns more then it soothes
it mocks me with a brutal contempt
I fight harder, loosen it's grasp
Finally the hold is lost
Finally I am free from all
Finally I am away from all,

Thursday, July 2, 2009

The Part

"Mother is dead!" she said strutting around. How melodramatic, rather then being heartfelt she seems to be proclaiming the evening news like a paperboy.  Now the fake tears, yes boo hoo my dear a real tear would be the only thing to convince me at this point. "It was horrible." She continues "You could see the suffering, you could feel her...wanting to die." The way she squeaked out the last part almost made me giggle. Even her "family" didn't seem impressed. "She is out of pain now." She lowered her head rigidly as if she weren't sure that was what she should be doing. I cringed. This was terrible. Did she expect anyone to believe this performance?

"Next!" I say to the diva in training. I've heard 40 woman today breaking the bad news and not one one has come close to bringing even a swoon of grief on my part.  Perhaps there will be no play. The next applicant arrives on stage. "I am Matthew Frenck." He postured to begin and I stopped him. "Wait a minute buddy. You don't look like a Doris to me." I said. He shrugged his shoulders and said "If you'd like I can change into my "Doris" outfit, but typically these things aren't dress rehearsals." I growled beneath my breath and said "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't have your punk ass thrown back out on the street!" He swiveled his head toward me and said very matter of factly "Because I'm good." "Well go ahead then, but watch your fuckin' mouth newbie." He turned aghast and said "I am NOT a newbie." "Well I've never heard of you, so just start the damn scene will ya?"

He began the scene and you could see all the actors on the stage snap in line. He not only was convincing me to believe him, He was convincing them to believe him. By the end I was brimming with tears. "You were excellent. I would give you the part right now if you, ya know had a part." He groaned and said " Let me go put on my "Doris" costume and you can tell me then whether it makes a difference." He fled the stage hurriedly. Since I'd had no time to stop him I decided just to see what he came up with. I called up a few other candidates and sent them quickly on their way. No prospects but Matthew thus far. I was starting to wonder if his costume would be as good as his acting. 

I called next and the next girl came on stage. She was cute, fit and stylish so I let her go on. About 3 words in I realized that it was Matthew. He was good. It was then that I proposed a compromise. "Would you be willing to be billed as a woman?" He hissed out his breath and said " I thought I was the newbie, you know in the good old days men played woman's parts all the time." I nodded "I know but was that also the case in which the female lead was representing the playwright's  sister?" He seemed to slump for the first time since he walked onto the stage. "Please, I know that I can nail this part." I thought for a moment and said "Leave your number with my assistant, I'll do some more auditions and if I can't find anyone we'll call you." He skipped off the stage, certain that none matched his ability.

I called my sister that night and we talked about the play. she was very excited that my dream was finally coming true and everyone in the world would fall victim to my clever pen blah blah blah. She was very sweet but boy could she talk! When silence finally fell again I asked her about Victor Victoria. She seemed confused so I reminded her, it was the movie where Julie Andrews played a woman who pretended to be a man so that she could act in plays... as a woman. She giggled and said that she remembered the movie. "Well what if there were a man who could play the female lead better then any woman I'd seen so far?" I heard the receiver bang down and knew that this wasn't going to end well. 

I spent the whole next day auditioning woman. Eighty in total and by the end of the day I was tired and frustrated. I called my sister again that night and told her how the auditions were coming. She said that I should stick to it and the right person would come eventually. I broached the subject of Matthew again and she nearly hung up a second time. I asked if she would be willing to see him perform the part. She agreed. I told her to give me a couple days and I would call her. I called Matthew next. He was excited at the prospect of performing for her. I told him he should show up in costume and not to reveal himself until the end. It would help her to accept the only option. He said he would.

I called a couple of the girls back who were mediocre but better then the others. I would make it a competition. She would see who the best was. I worked with all 3 auditioners and they learned a whole scene with the rest of the cast. My sister showed up and sat next to me. My assistant called out the first candidate. They ran the whole scene and as I expected it was mediocre. Then the second came out and it was pretty much the same. Then came Matthew unbeknownst to my sister. He played the scene perfectly every nuance every emotion every step every hand movement dead on. They way he enhanced the rest of the cast was amazing. I knew this little experiment would be successful.

I asked my sister, trying desperately to hide my glee, which she thought was the best. "The second one." she said, still wiping the tears from her eyes. I grew quickly enraged "You are a liar! You know the third one was the best, I saw the tears fall from your eyes!" She made no expression as she again said "I liked the second one the best, sorry." I screamed "How dare you suffocate my dream with your foolish pride. You know that this play would become famous with Matthew as the lead. Yet you sit there patronizing me, no remorse, no apologies, just pride and fake sentiments." She got up from her seat and turned to leave. "I'm making Matthew the lead and that's final!" She walked out, never turning around and not saying a word.

The play opened with Matthew as the lead and it soared to unimaginable success. It sold out several time's over. A studio even purchased the rights to make it a movie starring A-list celebrities. My first and only play set me up for life, Matthew went on to be big in theater. He never wanted to be on screen, the stage was his home he would say. He always got me front row seats on the opening night to whatever play he was doing at the time. He would even send me birthday gifts and Christmas presents. He would have me over for Thanksgiving with him and his family. We were like family. In fact, he was the only family I had. 

You see that day my sister walked out of the theatre was the last time I ever saw her. She's been dead for 2 years now. Her husband recently came by and told me that she had seen the play, many times and loved it. Then he asked me for $5000. What he didn't know is that I had scouts hired very night to keep an eye out for her. They were equipped with pictures and ordered to call me if they even thought they saw her. I gave him the money and thanked him for his kind words, then I gave him $5000 more. They say you can't take it with you. I hope the same is true of grudges.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

The Hand

Once extended in friendship 
the hand is now fractured
swelling and throbbing, 
black with annoyances 
blue with the facade.

The next visit a bandage
that will become ratty and brown
further infecting the break
the crippled hand is my evidence
my reminder that nothing lasts forever

The splint a restriction
doing nothing for the pain
only holding the bone 
in a crooked place
so that healing is moot

My stunted hand is weak
it cannot carry
it cannot lift
it cannot even wave
it simply dangles lifeless

This puppet hand 
wanting to grasp 
wanting to hold
wanting to feel
but failing at all tasks

This dead weight
unable to let go
unable to throw it aside
unable to rid myself of it
so dead it shall hang.