Halloween

I love Halloween, I always have. Playing make believe and letting yourself be scared. Eating candy, telling stories, Seeing into your neighbors a little better. It's not about evil folks, it's about community. It creates bonds through interacting face to face, showing generosity to your neighbors. Getting a peek at their creative self expression, seeing what they chose as their persona and how hard they worked to convey it. I refuse to believe that a holiday that once was used to honor the dead, and now is used to bring people together in a communal way is wrong.

Religion has always been a tricky subject for me. On one hand I love the positive effect it has on some peoples lives. I love the simplistic manner in which it teaches being kind to one another and the basics like don't kill each other and don't steal from each other. I have never like when it is deliberately perverted or just teaches on vague ideas that can be misunderstood and used for hate. Let's not look for reasons to discriminate but instead foster that community vibe that will pay out in the end

A (hopefully) brief word on condolences

During meditation thought popped into my head about people and how they react to others tragedies. After the loss of my mother I was inundated by the kind words of others and they were all well meant. No comes the part were I sound like an ungrateful bitch. Not one condolence type thing that anyone said made me feel any better. Some even made me feel worse or bitter or like screaming in the person's face. The best thing that happened after she passed was visiting with my aunt and hearing great stories I had never heard about nice things she had done for her siblings or others or funny stories about her ( she was pretty funny) or just general reminiscing kind of stories. Also the thing that helped was having a sympathetic ear and feeling compassion from people strongly enough that now words were required. I know that you don't have that kind of bond or connection with everyone but some coworkers just dropped a card and flowers for me on my return to work and not a word was said. It was the perfect way to address that situation in my opinion. No long conversations to dredge it all up and bring me to tears just a heads up that they cared. Those were the sentiments that helped me the most. I know everyone is different and perhaps my keep away sign is all my own but there are no words that can be said that will make anything like that all better. At least not for me.

to bed and back again...

I wouldn't call myself an insomniac. Once I fall asleep I usually sleep very soundly and for as long as I can get away with. I have slept through thunderstorms, earthquakes and children who scream and bang on walls or their gate at will. I have a time syndrome with sleeping. I don't like to go to bed early and I think that part of the reason for that is that I enjoy the way the night feels. Now I don't fancy myself a vampire or anything (that's so '90's!!) I just like the quiet of the sleeping town. I feel more creative like maybe all the dreams the normal sleepers are having are seeping into the air and I'm catching some of them. Let's see what I can pick up:

Barking ravenous dogs lunge at me. Tethered strongly with a chain, the danger zone is 2 inches from my knee caps. I move to back away and there is a cliff that drops into a dark maw of jagged rocks. I try to edge around but it requires moving a breath closer to the rabid beast. I chance it but get nowhere and now my favorite pants are ruined. I turn and scream into the abyss behind me and the sound of fluttering swells then deafens. At first it seems that hordes of albino bats are set to swarm me but them I grab one bravely from the air to inspect it. I find it is not an albino bat but a page from the Johnson file that I forgot to send out before I left work this evening.

Okay that's enough of that. Time to find my own peaceful slumber. Hopefully I am not now kept awake with the thoughts that someone is writing down my dreams. That's a bit creepy. G'nite!

Going with your gut or getting with the program?

I had an interesting experience with myself over the past few days. I have had experiences where my brain snaps to some sort of judgement but for once I asked the question why. For instance if you came across someone in your daily happenings that spoke a certain way you might make assumptions about them. someone clear voiced who annunciates well might be perceived as more intelligent or at least more educated. Why is that? Because our information is almost always provided (formally) by people with these vocal qualities. Newscasters, educational materials, radio personalities for the most part in this country speak very good english. I understand that the point is to be understood so that all can receive the assumed benefit of your information but it creates a perception within us. People who speak in lilty, boisterous tones are friendly and positive and happy right? What about appearances? They are equally subject to the publics created perceptions. Height, weight, scars and birthmarks, skin color, wardrobe, all of these things and more make us feel as though we can tell what kind of person we are interacting with.

To those of you who have gotten past those conceptions, I congratulate you. You are the happy consumers of wisdom and entertainment beyond what the normal folks are willing to bear. I have heard the greatest wisdom in the most garbled speech I could still understand, I have heard the most interesting stories from voices that were raspy or shaky or slurred. I am not saying that the well spoken do not possess such stories or wisdom, they are often more rehearsed and embellished. As for appearances everyone has met at least one person that breaks the mold. The true test comes when they are tested again and how they react.

Many wise people have stated and restated that one reason we dislike people is that they remind us of a bad quality of our own and if we no longer possess that quality we no longer will be bothered by that person. I can attest based on one very specific experience that this is at least true in some cases.

I guess ultimately this horribly spastic writing is to just urge openess. If you meet someone who repels you try to figure out why before you cut and run. It could provide you an insight on the world that we have never even considered pr just an insight on ourselves on what we can do to be a better person.

time for a - let's see what happens...

Haphazard whispers that divulge eons of secrets
unleashing a writhing and slithering hatred
invoking hoards of power to the meek
the tables have turned and toppled
the minds have bent and broken
the strain too much, the soul too little
The sucking of the hungry mouths grows closer
Louder still is the elevated pulse
deafening in the wringing of cracked bleeding hands

The soil soaks with anguish
violence is useless meaningless
the weary fear nothing but losing.

sounds abound

SO my husband bought a new keyboard for our computer today. It's pretty snazzy, all black and streamlined with volume control on the keyboard. The bigger aspect for me is how quiet it is. I can type away and barely a sound is made in comparison to the old keyboard. I hate this feature. I have always loved sound in all it's forms (mostly) but specifically with writing. I loved typewriters despite how even the correctable ones were annoying to make corrections on. I like writing with one sheet of paper on a wooden desk with a heavy pen or a pencil. I often use more punctuation in these situations. I am jealous of those metal clipboards that workers use sometimes.Computer keyboards were less satisfying but the old ones still made such a clacking that it was livable. If a secretary had long nails and typed swiftly it was musical to me. The sound all these things make to my head are the sound of progress. Not a new an improved anything just a creatively active me. Now instead we have machines that are quieter in use but all devices create a hum in the air. Have you ever noticed when your looking for peace and quiet there is always something in the distance humming. T.V. had a high pitched noise that could change the way you felt in a room. Demanding your attention to the source, before the screen even glowed you were looking. People insert the scratchy record noise or tape noise on tracks sometimes just to make it seem more authentic or at least nostalgic. Noise in almost any form can be appreciated but it's easier to appreciate when you can escape it at least for a little while. Sometimes I want a log cabin in the middle of nowhere with no devices just so I can finally appreciate the infernal humming of all my electronic devices, cause even when the power is out it's still there somehow, driving me crazy.

Let Go and Learn

This message popped into my head during a recent meditation. I am never sure if these messages are conjured from my own psyche or introduced from some unseen external place. I suppose when doing something like meditation it would be foolish to rule out one over the other. It seems like a wise statement. A statement describing the control that many of us feel that we need to be able to handle life. There is a polarity, either you in control or your one of those people that believes everything happens for a reason. Except that sometimes being in control can create one of those seemingly fateful coincidences and adversely not controlling anything in life can leave you lost. I've always felt that balance is important as well as tapping into your own intuition. I rarely achieve balance but when I do it is a wonderfully peaceful feeling. When all is right with the world or at least in your world. That's when you have those few moments to really create and express, to accomplish something dynamic and sustaining. It is a wonderful feeling to tap into your intuition as well. It can give a person confidence and focus. Also the general feeling of having a little help is a plus. The problem comes in when you try to second guess that connection and end up screwing yourself in the process. If you can accomplish the feat of tapping into that intuition you should try to be humble enough to accept what it tells you and watch how things unfold. When I was younger I felt very connected and as I got older and hardships came and beat me down I lost it. This new practice of meditation has done wonders for me, helping me to unlock deep abscesses that I had been unaware of and purging them and just generally calming me down and helping me realize that swimming upstream all the time was really the cause of my fatigue and doldrums. I'm not saying swim with the school. It;s more like a go with the flow kind of feeling. I don't necessarily think that I am in a position to advise others, my balance that I strive for is still pretty wobbly at best, but I have felt a change and I like the change I have felt. So I will truly try to focus on this phrase and see what happens next.

October

I love the month of October. I'm not sure why but I always have. Upon recent enthusiasm of the month I love from other sources I have gotten to thinking. I wonder if this is the month for cynics. I mean everything is dying and it can even get downright dreary at times and it leads to cold,snow,ice and days devoid of meaningful sunshine for months on end. Those all seem like things that cynics would like. However I would like to submit that maybe its about hope. Maybe it's a chance to begin a new start as the pagans say the dying in fall and winter bring about new life in the spring. Moreover this is the time when things change. This is the time of year when the boring old green leaves turn wonderful hues like red, yellow, orange and purple. Yes it is the road to death but it is the chance for those leaves to be something other then just green like all the other leaves. When everything is green their is not the same individuality. When things begin to change however half a tree turns red and the other half splits between orange and brown. All these leaves looked the same weeks ago now they have divided and separately and collectively are beautiful. This when the hidden beauty comes out even if it is a last ditch effort. So one man's cynic is another man's hopeful dreamer. This could be the year that everything changes. This could be the year that everything gets better. This time it will all fall into place. When the world turns shiny and beautiful again so will I. This time for sure.