Thursday, January 28, 2010

Anger is a gift best served cold

I got very angry about an ongoing issue that has emanated worry and frustration for quite some time. It peaked for the third time this evening and I was at a loss for what to do. There are all those catchy little mouth vomits like "just roll with the punches" and "keep your head up" but few would be able to take the blows of life repeatedly and not want to destroy something. I attempted to do what I used to do when I was younger and shred. I threw some Pantera on my ipod and soon realized that I was no longer young enough for this to work. When you are young and don't really have any problems you have to find things to be pissed off about i.e."fuck the cops" "the government totally sucks" "my parents don't understand me."

It's not that none of these things are true, it's that you don't know why they are true. Once you are old enough to understand the world a little better, you find out why these things are true, there is no music that can banish the contempt of an asshole boss, nothing you can destroy that will make people drive better, no amount of cutting could make you breath any easier. The far removed status of youth is gone, you know now, you understand and it sucks. You know that Jack Nicholson line from A Few Good Men? Yeah I wish that had been the graduation speech at my suburban high school. Just those few lines to really sum up life as an adult. Part of youth however is not listening to people who say things like that so maybe it would have been a lost cause.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Quality and standards

I am learning to be chill again

I am learning to be nice again

I am learning to devote more time to my family

I am learning that I don't like wallowing

I am learning that I don't yearn for pity

I am learning that good things can make you a bad person if you let them

I am learning that awareness of one's self is a necessity but an obsession with oneself is a really bad thing

I am learning that balance is hard to reach and next to impossible to sustain

I am learning that I have been missing some things for years now

I am learning how to be the old me

I am learning to stand up for what I believe in

I am learning that even long breaks are necessary sometimes

I am learning that not everything was as it seemed and I was way too close to see that before

I am learning that my children's pain and suffering (when going on) cannot be "outdone" in my eyes

I am learning that many people have a hard life and I am very blessed to be fortunate

I am learning that I can use my sympathies for more then one person at a time when used properly

I am learning that friendships shouldn't be draining

I am learning that I can't have a friendship that involves walking on egg shells

I am learning that I am strong

I am learning that some steps have to be taken and some steps already have

I am learning that I have a great deal of thinking to do

peoples,peoples,peoples vol. 2

Woman are interesting creatures. Enslaved from birth to fit a pattern of pleasing and neediness. Makeup, hair, clothes are all training for womanhood. Looks are paramount. There are no fat princesses. There are no all natural queens. We are taught to aspire for the white dress and the white picket fence and the white horses to draw the white carriage that takes us to our sparkling white kingdom. Love is submission. So we are taught to be selfish and nuturing, superficial and doting, beauty queens and doormats. No wonder we are so fucked in the head by the time we are teenagers. We prance around being cute, hoping your perfume will scent mens dreams, hoping the 2 hours we spent getting ready will convince every man we see that we are the Cinderella, the Snow White. Most however are Pinnochio's. Manipulating through sex and guilt trips and image and lies. If we are skinny, we are beautiful, unless we are flat chested, then we have surgeries, self mutilation to create a bigger badder legend that could never hold water if the conversation passes 15 minutes in length. We are taught to want to be wanted, we are taught to need to be needed, and we are taught to take more shit then we can just so that we can be the demure little Barbie fantasy for all the Ken's out there. Then they teach the men that skinny is beautiful, big boobs are beautiful, long legs are beautiful. Slutty outfits are a must until the vows have been said then it's house dresses and aprons from then on. Perhaps it not as bad as all this anymore, perhaps it's even worse but much like anything else all these truths are self perpetuated.


First breath of spring
so stinks of wanting
the birds that sing
a tale of haunting
The bees that flit
and threaten pain
the greenest grass
from the heavy rain
the flowers shy
from the dregs of cold
the winters left
still you feel old
your insides gray
like the season waning
return the smiles
we all like feigning
the frigid curse
that shall return
gives way to sunshine
and it's burn.