Thursday, December 29, 2011

life lessons?

Today at work I was confronted with a situation in which a person was showing disagreement to something I was saying regarding an issue that is important to me. Now a less calm version of me would have issued a challenge followed by a fierce debate. Now being that I was at work that most likely would have been the wrong choice, either because I would have gotten in trouble or the argument would have been fractured into meaningless pieces because of, well, work. So I walked away and despite coming up with a single pointed thing to say I refrained from engaging entirely. This is completely out of nature for me and frankly I felt somewhat proud that I had shown such restraint. It's an important issue but not one that people will switch their view on simply by debating or even discussing it. The other person's point of view was not affecting the way they treated customers or anything like that so there really was no need for a discussion especially since the other party didn't seem eager to have a discussion about it. I ended it by say "Well, that's what I believe." and a shrug.

I am still proud of my withholding skills, however there is that certain feeling that I could have changed a mind about something and didn't. As I think of it tonight I realize that confrontational debates don't help much in the conversion of ideas process and honestly most of the time people I disagree with use those tactics times 10. Now I must leave it up to life and it's natural process to hopefully change this person's mind. I know that most people reading this will know most of what I'm stating here already, but for me this is an epiphany of sorts. If someone says something offensive and I feel that it could offend someone other then me, I will say something. I can't help but recall the most poignant experience I had on this subject happening in a very casual exchange between me and a work friend from a previous location.

This coworker thought that all homosexuals got A.I.D.S if they just had sex with each other for long enough. It wasn't a virus that was passed around from one innocent victim to the next, as with any virus, but was actually contracted from the act of having sex with a same sex partner. I was shocked (and about 500 other emotions) especially since this person had worked in the medical field for many more years then I. I showed my dismay at the misconception but then explained to this person that it was just that, a misconception. They seemed baffled by this information, clearly illustrating that this was never even a possibility in the scope of how they learned of that horrible disease.

There was nothing angry or confrontational about the whole experience. For them it was informative, for me it was a clear sign that people are passing around a lot of bullshit about a lot of things in order to make it seem more terrible. The person today simply indicated a disagreement in something I said, and that was it. My debate-y mind wanted to GO, but ultimately I held back. Hopefully life will teach this person better then what their understanding is now, or maybe another opportunity will arise in which I can express my side. Perhaps today's experience will help me do it calmly.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Soul years

Imagine your soul as a separate part of your being. It is a living thing but it eats differently, sleeps differently and performs all the other ho hum human functions in a different way. Perhaps instead of sleeping when you sleep, it sleeps when you aren't pursuing/doing what you love. That could explain why we feel so much more alive when we are doing those things that make us happiest. The bigger concept I had however, is, what if our souls age differently then us? What if every time we experience intense hardship it gains more years. Every time we struggle and feel we may not make it it adds more time, but also more wisdom. So when we do get to the other end of the struggle we are wiser and more equipped for what may come next. This seems like a useful thing that with hardship we become more prepared for what lies ahead. Let's think though about grown ups and even the elderly. Some of them become rigidly set in routines and points of view that seem to disconnect them from the world. It can even build this shell around them, though protective, cuts of any sound or interaction in a true sense.

I propose that we treat our souls just like this. When we go through difficulty, take time to heal but then try to notice how your perspective on the world has changed. It wouldn't be any easy task because the types of things I'm thinking of tend to change the way your world looks anyway. If you can connect with it though and decipher the change, the next step would be to reinforce the youthful aspects of your nature so as not to cement yourself in this new view of the world. I believe with deep thought and practice this is possible and even if you can't work it all out the exploration is a healthy thing.

Monday, October 31, 2011


I love Halloween, I always have. Playing make believe and letting yourself be scared. Eating candy, telling stories, Seeing into your neighbors a little better. It's not about evil folks, it's about community. It creates bonds through interacting face to face, showing generosity to your neighbors. Getting a peek at their creative self expression, seeing what they chose as their persona and how hard they worked to convey it. I refuse to believe that a holiday that once was used to honor the dead, and now is used to bring people together in a communal way is wrong.

Religion has always been a tricky subject for me. On one hand I love the positive effect it has on some peoples lives. I love the simplistic manner in which it teaches being kind to one another and the basics like don't kill each other and don't steal from each other. I have never like when it is deliberately perverted or just teaches on vague ideas that can be misunderstood and used for hate. Let's not look for reasons to discriminate but instead foster that community vibe that will pay out in the end

Sunday, October 23, 2011

A (hopefully) brief word on condolences

During meditation thought popped into my head about people and how they react to others tragedies. After the loss of my mother I was inundated by the kind words of others and they were all well meant. No comes the part were I sound like an ungrateful bitch. Not one condolence type thing that anyone said made me feel any better. Some even made me feel worse or bitter or like screaming in the person's face. The best thing that happened after she passed was visiting with my aunt and hearing great stories I had never heard about nice things she had done for her siblings or others or funny stories about her ( she was pretty funny) or just general reminiscing kind of stories. Also the thing that helped was having a sympathetic ear and feeling compassion from people strongly enough that now words were required. I know that you don't have that kind of bond or connection with everyone but some coworkers just dropped a card and flowers for me on my return to work and not a word was said. It was the perfect way to address that situation in my opinion. No long conversations to dredge it all up and bring me to tears just a heads up that they cared. Those were the sentiments that helped me the most. I know everyone is different and perhaps my keep away sign is all my own but there are no words that can be said that will make anything like that all better. At least not for me.

Friday, October 21, 2011

to bed and back again...

I wouldn't call myself an insomniac. Once I fall asleep I usually sleep very soundly and for as long as I can get away with. I have slept through thunderstorms, earthquakes and children who scream and bang on walls or their gate at will. I have a time syndrome with sleeping. I don't like to go to bed early and I think that part of the reason for that is that I enjoy the way the night feels. Now I don't fancy myself a vampire or anything (that's so '90's!!) I just like the quiet of the sleeping town. I feel more creative like maybe all the dreams the normal sleepers are having are seeping into the air and I'm catching some of them. Let's see what I can pick up:

Barking ravenous dogs lunge at me. Tethered strongly with a chain, the danger zone is 2 inches from my knee caps. I move to back away and there is a cliff that drops into a dark maw of jagged rocks. I try to edge around but it requires moving a breath closer to the rabid beast. I chance it but get nowhere and now my favorite pants are ruined. I turn and scream into the abyss behind me and the sound of fluttering swells then deafens. At first it seems that hordes of albino bats are set to swarm me but them I grab one bravely from the air to inspect it. I find it is not an albino bat but a page from the Johnson file that I forgot to send out before I left work this evening.

Okay that's enough of that. Time to find my own peaceful slumber. Hopefully I am not now kept awake with the thoughts that someone is writing down my dreams. That's a bit creepy. G'nite!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Going with your gut or getting with the program?

I had an interesting experience with myself over the past few days. I have had experiences where my brain snaps to some sort of judgement but for once I asked the question why. For instance if you came across someone in your daily happenings that spoke a certain way you might make assumptions about them. someone clear voiced who annunciates well might be perceived as more intelligent or at least more educated. Why is that? Because our information is almost always provided (formally) by people with these vocal qualities. Newscasters, educational materials, radio personalities for the most part in this country speak very good english. I understand that the point is to be understood so that all can receive the assumed benefit of your information but it creates a perception within us. People who speak in lilty, boisterous tones are friendly and positive and happy right? What about appearances? They are equally subject to the publics created perceptions. Height, weight, scars and birthmarks, skin color, wardrobe, all of these things and more make us feel as though we can tell what kind of person we are interacting with.

To those of you who have gotten past those conceptions, I congratulate you. You are the happy consumers of wisdom and entertainment beyond what the normal folks are willing to bear. I have heard the greatest wisdom in the most garbled speech I could still understand, I have heard the most interesting stories from voices that were raspy or shaky or slurred. I am not saying that the well spoken do not possess such stories or wisdom, they are often more rehearsed and embellished. As for appearances everyone has met at least one person that breaks the mold. The true test comes when they are tested again and how they react.

Many wise people have stated and restated that one reason we dislike people is that they remind us of a bad quality of our own and if we no longer possess that quality we no longer will be bothered by that person. I can attest based on one very specific experience that this is at least true in some cases.

I guess ultimately this horribly spastic writing is to just urge openess. If you meet someone who repels you try to figure out why before you cut and run. It could provide you an insight on the world that we have never even considered pr just an insight on ourselves on what we can do to be a better person.

Monday, October 10, 2011

time for a - let's see what happens...

Haphazard whispers that divulge eons of secrets
unleashing a writhing and slithering hatred
invoking hoards of power to the meek
the tables have turned and toppled
the minds have bent and broken
the strain too much, the soul too little
The sucking of the hungry mouths grows closer
Louder still is the elevated pulse
deafening in the wringing of cracked bleeding hands

The soil soaks with anguish
violence is useless meaningless
the weary fear nothing but losing.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

sounds abound

SO my husband bought a new keyboard for our computer today. It's pretty snazzy, all black and streamlined with volume control on the keyboard. The bigger aspect for me is how quiet it is. I can type away and barely a sound is made in comparison to the old keyboard. I hate this feature. I have always loved sound in all it's forms (mostly) but specifically with writing. I loved typewriters despite how even the correctable ones were annoying to make corrections on. I like writing with one sheet of paper on a wooden desk with a heavy pen or a pencil. I often use more punctuation in these situations. I am jealous of those metal clipboards that workers use sometimes.Computer keyboards were less satisfying but the old ones still made such a clacking that it was livable. If a secretary had long nails and typed swiftly it was musical to me. The sound all these things make to my head are the sound of progress. Not a new an improved anything just a creatively active me. Now instead we have machines that are quieter in use but all devices create a hum in the air. Have you ever noticed when your looking for peace and quiet there is always something in the distance humming. T.V. had a high pitched noise that could change the way you felt in a room. Demanding your attention to the source, before the screen even glowed you were looking. People insert the scratchy record noise or tape noise on tracks sometimes just to make it seem more authentic or at least nostalgic. Noise in almost any form can be appreciated but it's easier to appreciate when you can escape it at least for a little while. Sometimes I want a log cabin in the middle of nowhere with no devices just so I can finally appreciate the infernal humming of all my electronic devices, cause even when the power is out it's still there somehow, driving me crazy.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Let Go and Learn

This message popped into my head during a recent meditation. I am never sure if these messages are conjured from my own psyche or introduced from some unseen external place. I suppose when doing something like meditation it would be foolish to rule out one over the other. It seems like a wise statement. A statement describing the control that many of us feel that we need to be able to handle life. There is a polarity, either you in control or your one of those people that believes everything happens for a reason. Except that sometimes being in control can create one of those seemingly fateful coincidences and adversely not controlling anything in life can leave you lost. I've always felt that balance is important as well as tapping into your own intuition. I rarely achieve balance but when I do it is a wonderfully peaceful feeling. When all is right with the world or at least in your world. That's when you have those few moments to really create and express, to accomplish something dynamic and sustaining. It is a wonderful feeling to tap into your intuition as well. It can give a person confidence and focus. Also the general feeling of having a little help is a plus. The problem comes in when you try to second guess that connection and end up screwing yourself in the process. If you can accomplish the feat of tapping into that intuition you should try to be humble enough to accept what it tells you and watch how things unfold. When I was younger I felt very connected and as I got older and hardships came and beat me down I lost it. This new practice of meditation has done wonders for me, helping me to unlock deep abscesses that I had been unaware of and purging them and just generally calming me down and helping me realize that swimming upstream all the time was really the cause of my fatigue and doldrums. I'm not saying swim with the school. It;s more like a go with the flow kind of feeling. I don't necessarily think that I am in a position to advise others, my balance that I strive for is still pretty wobbly at best, but I have felt a change and I like the change I have felt. So I will truly try to focus on this phrase and see what happens next.


I love the month of October. I'm not sure why but I always have. Upon recent enthusiasm of the month I love from other sources I have gotten to thinking. I wonder if this is the month for cynics. I mean everything is dying and it can even get downright dreary at times and it leads to cold,snow,ice and days devoid of meaningful sunshine for months on end. Those all seem like things that cynics would like. However I would like to submit that maybe its about hope. Maybe it's a chance to begin a new start as the pagans say the dying in fall and winter bring about new life in the spring. Moreover this is the time when things change. This is the time of year when the boring old green leaves turn wonderful hues like red, yellow, orange and purple. Yes it is the road to death but it is the chance for those leaves to be something other then just green like all the other leaves. When everything is green their is not the same individuality. When things begin to change however half a tree turns red and the other half splits between orange and brown. All these leaves looked the same weeks ago now they have divided and separately and collectively are beautiful. This when the hidden beauty comes out even if it is a last ditch effort. So one man's cynic is another man's hopeful dreamer. This could be the year that everything changes. This could be the year that everything gets better. This time it will all fall into place. When the world turns shiny and beautiful again so will I. This time for sure.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Fate or catalyst of

There on many stories on a website I have been reading about bad things that have happened to other people that cause someone to finally realize their dream or find the love of their life etc. It got me thinking that its a little unfair that people have to suffer or die just to get someone else going. What if it doesn't work. I know that everyone suffers and dies at some point in their life in some way and I do believe that the universe will guide you in the right direction if your paying attention. Now though I am worried that if someone doesn't visit me or call me when they were supposed to am I gonna end up a catalyst? Will I be the collateral damage to their destiny? I hope that I live long and am trying to improve my health so that I may do so but now I have this paranoid delusion that I am marked. Perhaps this should be my wake up call that if I don't do something important soon I will become the catalyst instead of the one who was inspired by another persons downfall. I know some people who have suffered a great deal and don't show any signs of breaking through the other side. I know people that are all but lost and the folks that want to help them can barely get them on the phone. I hope that some of them don't end up being someone else's lesson on life. I know that this all sounds very bleak but it would provide a new meaning to the dog eat dog world concept wouldn't it?

Sunday, September 4, 2011

horrible blogger

So I checked when the last time I blogged was and it was awhile ago.
During that long stretch I've had about 500 satc styled internal monologues.
You know, the kind she would make into her widely popular article. So I
Guess I'm not programmed to jot down every occurence like that but perhaps I could try to make at least one on here from time to time.

Saturday, July 2, 2011


I believe that there is an energy that we all have within us that connects
us to each other and the universe. I believe that that energy hooks us all together
And emits from our bodies. Our souls can feel each other when we are close
To each other. We can feel the happiness and sadness and anger and disappointment
that we spill forth. We put it out almost inflicting it on others. We don't realize or
intend to it just happens. We are not only made of this energy but also a location
from which it ebbs and flows. The more balanced we are the less of the negative
we inflict on others. Also this could help you process those vibes you get from others.
Rather then falling victim we can feel that emotion from our perspective. Perhaps, we
Could provide a solution through understanding and compassion. It's a theory worth
Testing I think.

Friday, July 1, 2011

mobile posting

So here I am posting on my smartest smart phone. Sweet